3. Emotional Intelligence explained for real life
Emotional Intelligence, often called EI or EQ, is the ability to recognise, understand, and manage your own emotions while also understanding the emotions of others. It is a skill that directly influences how you relate to people, make decisions, and handle life’s challenges.
Many adults underestimate the power of emotions. We think that rational thinking alone drives decisions, but research shows that our emotions quietly influence almost everything we do. By developing EI, you gain better control over how you respond, improve relationships, and make choices that align with your values.
Why this matters
Emotional Intelligence is linked to success at work, stronger relationships, better stress management, and even physical wellbeing. Adults with higher EI are better at:
- Managing conflicts without escalating situations
- Understanding team dynamics and motivating others
- Recognising stress triggers and adapting behaviour
- Making thoughtful decisions instead of reacting impulsively
Improving EI is not about suppressing emotions. It is about awareness, understanding, and strategic use.
A realistic example
Aaliyah works in a busy call centre in Pretoria. She often felt frustrated by difficult clients and found herself snapping or withdrawing. Her manager suggested she explore Emotional Intelligence to improve interactions and reduce stress.
Aaliyah started paying attention to her reactions. She noticed that certain types of calls triggered impatience, while others made her anxious. By pausing, identifying the emotion, and asking herself why she felt that way, she was able to respond calmly instead of reacting. Over time, her stress decreased, clients responded more positively, and her confidence grew.
Understanding how Emotional Intelligence develops
Emotional Intelligence was popularised by Daniel Goleman in the mid-1990s, building on earlier research from psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer in the 1980s. Goleman identified five key areas of EI:
- Self-awareness – recognising your own emotions and their impact
- Self-regulation – managing your reactions effectively
- Motivation – staying focused and optimistic even in setbacks
- Empathy – understanding and considering others’ feelings
- Social skills – managing relationships, influencing, and communicating
Like any skill, EI develops through practice, reflection, and feedback. Adults can strengthen it at any stage of life.
Free tools and opportunities available
You can improve Emotional Intelligence using accessible tools:
- Mood Meter app (free version) Track and label your emotions throughout the day
- Daylio app Record moods, triggers, and responses to notice patterns
- MindTools EI self-assessment Free worksheets to explore your strengths and growth areas
- Feedback from colleagues and family Ask how your behaviour affects others
- Local libraries and online courses Check South African libraries or free platforms like Coursera and Alison for courses on EI and communication
Using a simple Emotional Intelligence tool step by step
Tool: Daily Emotion Reflection
This tool helps you notice emotions, understand their source, and respond deliberately.
Step 1. Identify the emotion
At least once a day, pause and name the emotion you are feeling. Example: frustration, anxiety, joy.
Step 2. Explore the trigger
Ask yourself: What caused this emotion? Was it an external event or a thought pattern?
Step 3. Assess the impact
How is this emotion affecting your behaviour or decisions? Example: snapping at a colleague, withdrawing, procrastinating.
Step 4. Choose a response
Decide on an intentional response instead of reacting automatically. Example: take a deep breath, pause before speaking, ask a clarifying question.
Step 5. Reflect on the outcome
At the end of the day, review how your chosen responses worked. Note successes and areas to adjust.
Practical exercise: Your Emotional Intelligence snapshot
- Use a notebook, Google Doc, or notes app.
- Choose three situations from your day that triggered strong emotions.
- Follow the Daily Emotion Reflection steps for each situation.
- Identify one pattern in your responses that you want to change.
- Practice an intentional response in a similar situation this week.
By doing this consistently, you increase self-awareness, strengthen emotional regulation, and improve how you relate to others.
Recommended books and references
- Daniel Goleman – Emotional Intelligence
Explains the five components of EI and why they are critical for personal and professional success. - Tasha Eurich – Insight
Research-based guide to understanding yourself and recognising blind spots, which complements EI development. - Susan David – Emotional Agility
Shows how to approach emotions with curiosity, make adaptive choices, and develop resilience. - MindTools – Emotional Intelligence Worksheets
Free online resources for assessing and practising EI skills.
Small action for this week
Use the Daily Emotion Reflection tool for at least three situations this week. Focus on one pattern and try an intentional response.
Call to action
Share one insight you discovered about your emotions this week. Did noticing a pattern help you respond differently? Your experience may help others see how EI works in everyday life.
What comes next
Next week, we will explore how to identify your personal values and live by them, including practical tools to uncover what matters most and align your decisions with your values.
